her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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