he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
