I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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