pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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