he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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