i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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