my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
