he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
