I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
