you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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