just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I want her autograph on my taint
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
