mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
there is glitter all over my balls
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
