Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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