can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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