Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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