she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
