so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
