I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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