I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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