if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
