if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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