i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
