He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
