The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
