Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
