my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
