What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
