Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
