Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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