i already hear my dad disowning me
im having a threesome with these popsicles
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
