my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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