Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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