I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
