i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
