thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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