did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
