i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Floor bacon is actually really good
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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