Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
