He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
