I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
