My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
