Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
