my mouth tastes like poor choices
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
