Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
