god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
