This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
