STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
