i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
