Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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