Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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