dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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