He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
